Envision a lively Roman army camp in the second century, soldiers winding down after battle and reveling in the spoils of war. On the sidelines sit the Philosopher King, Marcus Aurelius, finding solace in contemplation and scribbling his now famous Meditations.
One gem still resonates deeply with me: ‘A happy mind is a happy life,’ but I soon discovered that happiness can be elusive. However, there are choices you can make to help attract happiness.
Here are 6 choices that magnetically attract happiness into your life
1. Recognize that a happy mind isn’t automatic
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In my twenties, I was sure happiness was a matter of course. Still, each successive decade has proven how life circumstances won’t always be in my favor, I can’t control external factors, and my best attempts can get hopelessly derailed.
In the absence of mentors and wise guidance, this realization can be traumatic, and it was several years before I accepted that a happy mind was what I needed to cultivate. My mind was like a garden and I needed to persist with planting flowers, removing weeds, fertilizing, and watering the ground while praying for sunshine.
A happy mind is not a guarantee, a constant state, and least of all our right.
2. Acknowledge negativity bias
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It doesn’t seem fair, but most of us are not wired for a positive mindset. In triggering situations, we anticipate the worst and feel overwhelmed and inadequate. The Psychological Bulletin (2208) says that our thoughts are more likely to spark depressive thinking patterns than the opposite kind of thoughts, which are logical, helpful, and hopeful.
So when someone at work says, “They are restructuring,” or “That boss doesn’t like you,” your heart sinks, and any chance of happiness is out the window. When your teenager struggles or your partner clams up, your energy is depleted with worry and hurt long before patience and solutions arrive.
If you aren’t careful, you apply your workday worry and upset to discolor the good in your life. So when you get home to a made-just-for-you dinner, you are grumpy, skip out on the book club you organized, and wilt when your friend arrives for a New Year’s resolution walk.
Rick Hanson, the celebrated Psychologist and author of Hardwiring Happiness, should know a thing or two about the psychological phenomenon of negativity bias. He says, “The mind is like Velcro for negative experiences and Teflon for positive ones.”
3. Choose to build a positive mind
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In his book Feeling Good, Dr. David Burns identifies common habits that result in unhappiness. These include filtering out positive messages, mind reading, fortune telling, and catastrophizing. These are just a few of the many negative distortions that show up in your everyday life.
There is also the tendency to discount a compliment, which is called filtering. The idea you know what someone thinks about you, also known as mind reading. The feeling you know what negative thing will happen in the future, fortune telling. Or, the tendency to turn a small disappointment into a catastrophe.
Building a positive mind begins with your awareness of the specific bias existing in your mind and changing or reshaping that thought if it is not 100% true. A study in the American Psychologist (2001) helped demonstrate that, building your positive mind is a conversation between you and your mind and plays out like this:
Reta: I notice you immediately focus on the workouts you missed instead of accepting your trainer’s compliment.
Reta’s self-talk: Good catch! The better thing to say is that I have worked hard and now look better than I did a month ago. To reinforce this new thought, I will write and display this affirmation, “I am making great progress on my goal to lose 10 lbs.”
Negativity bias will have a detrimental effect on your mood and mind, but as you catch yourself in the act of thinking negatively, you have the power of a happier mind.
4. Cultivate a growth mindset
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One sure way to stay stuck and unhappy is to resist needed change. Inside all of us, there is a voice that says no to doing something powerful and beneficial. That voice is the fear of failure, and right beside it is the whoosh of lost energy, leaving you depleted and convinced you can’t succeed.
Just yesterday I heard the familiar words, “That’s just not me, I couldn’t do that,” in response to a simple request poised to open the door to happiness.
Recent advances in neuroscience say that with a bit of time and effort in practicing new habits and strategies, neural networks form new bonds to strengthen and promote those new habits. The brain is waiting to give you a fresh start when you put in extra work.
5. Grow the courage to face challenges
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I don’t love rollercoasters and won’t skydive for a million dollars, but I have learned to put my sweaty palms and pounding heart into meetings, courageous conversations, and unwinnable circumstances.
Like someone reading this, confrontation is not my natural state, but when speaking up, taking the right action, and risking failure is the right thing or the path to your solution, don’t back down, deny, or avoid.
Speak up, ask questions, and negotiate respectfully and thoughtfully. When peace of mind is on the line, a happy mind is worth the fight.
With the cultivation of a growth mindset and the determination to meet life challenges, my client Rosie’s story is about her decision to cultivate a happy mind.
Rosie’s courage
After a particularly tough day at work, Rosie made a line-in-the-sand decision that her boss, coworkers, and feelings of inadequacy would no longer take space in her mind. At first, she tried willpower, but when that failed, we connected and collaborated on a winning conversation with Rosie’s new best friend and former enemy, her mind.
Rosie: I’m so frustrated with my boss. She constantly piles on tasks.
Rosie’s self-talk: You have decided not to go through another year upset about her, so let’s look at how we can reframe.
Would it help to list any positive interactions with your boss, anything good about work?
Rosie: Yes, it would. I can think of the following.
“This job pays what I need; I’ll happily work the hours I’ve committed in exchange for this income.”
“A few months ago, she(the boss) said she was under pressure from management. She didn’t know how much longer she could work.”
As a therapist, I could see the shift Rosie created to minimize her frustration and despair.
Rosie still had to decide whether to build an honest relationship with her boss or change jobs. But on the path to those conversations or initiatives, Rosie understood that daily unhappiness sapped her energy, robbed her personality of its natural fire, and deprived her work life of satisfaction.
6. Fix what can be fixed and accept what cannot
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My advice? Become aware of what needs to change in your life. Catch yourself in the act of negative thinking, feel the sadness, worry, and anger that accompanies it, journal the distress that keeps you up at night, and commit to fixing or accepting these trouble spots one at a time.
Marcus Aurelius got it right when he told us, ‘A happy mind is a happy life.’
Reta Walker is a relationship therapist with over 25 years of experience, specializing in helping couples get back on track.
