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My mother says I’ve become incredibly picky about the partners I’ve been choosing. After much therapy and self-reflection, I made a list of red flags that, if ever presented, would immediately end the relationship—no ifs, ands, or buts. What my mother considers pickiness, I consider non-negotiable.
These red flags are not open to discussion or reconsideration—aka they’re non-negotiable. Being viewed as picky is the least of my concerns; I want a healthy relationship, and studies show self-awareness plays a significant part. But, identifying non-negotiable is only half the battle. Communicating and reinforcing them seals the deal, and advocating for yourself is not as easy as it looks.
Which is why I tagged some experts and got their advice on how to identify and communicate your non-negotiables and because I like to do my due diligence, I also asked a few folks about their relationship non-negotiables. Because we all don’t have the same boundaries…right? I mean, what’s intolerable across the board, and what’s a preference? The answers to these questions (and more) are just a few paragraphs away.
Disrespect Is a Big No No
Respect is *always* a must. According to a 2002 study, mutual respect is not just necessary; it’s crucial for problem-solving and relationship resilience. Caylia Wallace, 28, says mutual respect is her non-negotiable because of previous experiences where her partners disrespected her and created “volatile situations.”
A disrespectful partner is no joke. Who wants to feel small, belittled, invisible, and unheard by the person you love (and who’s supposed to love you)? I pray I never find a love like that.
What’s a Relationship Without Trust?
“Without trust, you have nothing.” It may be overstated, but this quote still rings true. It’s why trust is lifestyle content creator Melody Njoku’s, 27, non-negotiable. For without it, there’s no connection or intimacy, she says.
While Njoku holds trust as one of her core relationship values, the same can’t be said for everyone else. Trust may be the foundation of a relationship, but nearly a third of adults have trust issues.
Look—I get it. We’ve all been burned before in dating, and it’s hard not to hold onto past fears in new relationships. But I’m with Njoku on this one. Trust issues are a death sentence to any relationship—they brew resentments, doubts, and suspiciousness.
Have the Same (Or Similar) Goals
We all have different goals—some of us dream of buying homes (yes, even in this economy!). Others want to jet-set around the globe and discover life’s treasures. Whatever your goals are, it needs to align with your significant other.
Sure, you can compromise. But you can’t go half on a baby or bargain on a marriage license. Some things don’t have a middle ground—and that’s OK. Don’t force your partner to choose between their goals and the relationship because resentment, tension, and arguments can brew.
Spirituality, Religion, Politics, and Personal Values
A person’s value system is another factor that plays a huge role in relationships. Most people date others with similar beliefs, whether that’s political, religious, or spiritual.
For digital creator Danteé Ramos, 30, her partners must “believe in something” for there to be a connection or relationship. And she’s not the only one—research shows that people form relationships based on political homogeneity. The same goes for religion, with one study reporting that romantic relationships with religious homogeneity were more likely to last longer than their interfaith counterparts.
Identifying Your Non-Negotiables
You might not have these negotiable, but you do have some. And you don’t have to think too hard to discover them, says Charese L. Josie, a licensed clinical social worker.
People already know what their non-negotiables are, but they rely more on the hope that they can get over that and make a relationship work.
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CHARESE L. JOSIE, A LICENSED CLINICAL SOCIAL WORKER.
Early on, we might ignore warning signs because we believe it’s too early to judge. (Hint: it’s really not, tbh). But here’s the thing: those warning signs aren’t going away; they’re just turning into relationship issues and conflict, Josie says.
Be serious about setting strict boundaries and not letting things fly. Trust your gut, but also have outlined and written non-negotiables.
A great starting point to developing your own negotiables is by “understanding your principles, morals, wants, and needs,” says relationship and sex therapist Nikquan Lewis, MS, LMFT. Josie and Lewis recommend asking yourself the following questions:
- What do I know is a violation of who I am?
- What causes me anxiety?
- What is my belief system on children, pets, careers, and lifestyles?
- What makes me feel emotionally safe? Physically safe?
Communicating and Honoring Non-negotiables
Now that you’ve identified your non-negotiables, enforce them. What’s the first towards doing that? Talking with your partner. Will these be awkward and uncomfortable conversations? Potentially. But, remember these conversations are for your benefit.
If you can, try to hold these conversations in the early stages of dating, Lewis says. “When you communicate where you stand and where your values and principles lie—plus ask what theirs are—you can identify if there’s alignment,” she explains. “Alignment is key in healthy relationships.” Getting to know someone and establishing deal breakers early helps prevent potentially toxic and painful relationships. Dating is already hard—let’s not make it any harder.
Enforcing boundaries isn’t a one-way street. Your partner also has deal breakers that you must respect.
“When you don’t respect someone’s non-negotiables, you are setting yourself up to be in a relationship where your partner’s needs won’t be met, and that’s a problem,” Lewis says.
Reminder
Relationships are give and take. When there’s too much sacrifice on either end, a non-negotiable—a boundary—gets crossed. That’s why it is important to identify your non-negotiables, communicate them early on, and ask your partner to do the same.
And when you deliver said boundaries, “be mindful” of your tone, approach, and delivery, Lewis says. You want to create a safe space for you and your partner to verbalize your needs. And nothing’s unsafer than an angry tone or hostile body language.
Takeaways
Amazing—now we understand what non-negotiables are, why they’re essential, and how to enforce them. The only advice left to share is to reflect periodically on your non-negotiables.
You’re not the same person two years or five years ago—hell, even ten years ago. Anytime something significant happens, our value changes. Just look at your 20s and 30s—relationships, layoffs, deaths, weddings, and childbirth. All of these life events impact our outlook and influence what we find important.
It’s a great thing to grow, evolve, and learn! Understanding how life shifts our worldview and perspective is even better. A happy and healthy relationship is a self-reflection moment away.
