3 Therapists on Their Friendship Dealbreakers

Friendships—especially as an adult—can be harder to find and maintain, but they’re essential to emotional well-being. Research shows that cultivating friendships late into adulthood can help stave off loneliness, depression, and social isolation.

My friendships are especially meaningful because they make up much of my chosen family. And, it turns out that as we age, interactions with our close friends can hold even more meaning than interactions with our families. I understand this deeply already.

My friends aren’t just my friends, they’re like siblings. While this may sound idyllic, it also means that it can be pretty daunting when conflict arises. Conflict is inevitable in all relationships, but the closer the relationship, the higher the stakes are when a fight happens because the loss is that much greater when the rift cannot be mended. 

I haven’t had a friend break up in over 5 years, but the last one came down to simply feeling like I couldn’t trust the person. They’d go through periods of ghosting, evading conversations when I’d bring up the ghosting, and then we’d waver between being very close and very elusive. Ultimately, they quit talking to me and, fatigued by attempts to repair, I quit reaching out.

Now, I have a curation of close friendships I’m deeply proud of. There are my tight-knit friendships I’ve had for almost 20 years. There are the newer friends I’ve made more recently. And, every so often, I get to see my friends connecting with one another in the same room.

I was curious to learn more about how others were navigating their friendships so I reached out to a few folks to learn what their deal-breakers were. Oh, and best of all? They’re all therapists.

It Starts as the Occasional Concession

Blake Blankenbecler, licensed therapist and friendship educator based in Charlotte, NC, shared a story that resonated most with my recent friendship break-up. “Dealbreakers in friendship don’t often start off as dealbreakers,” she began.

She explained that it usually starts as one friend making the occasional concession—covering the dinner tab, being the first to apologize, or generally deferring to the other person’s wants. Yet, over time, when the first friend is always the one making compromises or giving a little more, this creates a pattern that can erode friendships.

“The friendship cracks become hard to ignore. You have a conversation with your friend about your concerns and issues arise,” she continued. These common include when a friend refuses to see the issue at hand, dismisses it, or (gasp) says you’re being too sensitive. 

This type of response indicates a deep indifference to your feelings. While, in my case, my feelings weren’t flat-out denied, I also felt they weren’t taken seriously, evidenced by my friend’s spotty communication. Plus, Blake brings up a good point. “If a friend does not care about the relational dynamics that make up your friendship, that is going to be a very lonely friendship to be in and one that I’d offer is not healthy to stay in,” she concluded.

Blankenbecler is a friendship educator, so I was eager to hear how she believes friendship fallouts could be avoided. Her answer provided insight into the power of honesty. “Based on some past friendship trauma, I believed that my friends really didn’t care or even notice when I’d go dark for a few weeks if I was busy,” she says.

It wasn’t until a friend let her know how her going dark impacted her, leading her to create stories in her mind about why Blake was being distant. Not only did this help Blake realize the importance of communication, especially during busy times, but it also let her know that their friendship does really matter and her friends do notice and care when she is less available.

“Creating a culture in your friendships that values kind honesty and generosity is incredbily important for the sustainability of a friendship,” she concluded.

It’s Those Behaviors That Make You Feel Unsafe

Natalie Moore, a licensed therapist in California, identifies a friendship deal breaker as anything that makes you feel unsafe or uncomfortable in the relationship. Think along the lines of deception, betrayal, disrespect, or a lack of consistent support.

When I asked her for examples of how these friendship deal breakers can show up in common situations, she named a few I think many of us can relate to. “Your friend sharing your personal secrets with someone else, speaking badly about you behind your back… breaking promises, and overstepping your boundaries can all be possible dealbreakers,” she shared. Even her listing off those examples made me think back to friendships I have had throughout my life, especially when younger, and how painful some of those experiences were. 

When it comes to addressing friendship deal breakers, Moore recommends following a simple formula—state what they did that bothered them, name what you would like them to do instead, and share how you believe their changes will improve the relationship. “Friendships can be mended if you get a genuine sense that your friend is invested in the relationship and willing to make the changes you’ve asked them to make.” But, she cautions, if your friend did something unforgivable that makes you question their values or judgment, it may be grounds to end the friendship for your own self-protection.

When They Just Don’t Keep Their Word

Resha Altai, a psychotherapist based in Los Angeles, California, feels a friendship deal breaker is when a boundary is broken. “A very common example is loaning a friend money with an agreement that they will pay you back by a certain date, only to have that date come and go without communication,” she explained. She continued by expressing how this can be especially troublesome if integrity is a major value of yours—which it likely is for many people.

However, she agrees with my initial take that conflict can’t always be avoided. “Rupture and repair is a natural part of any relationship,” she shared. It is all about being upfront and transparent about your boundaries, needs, and values to avoid friendship fallouts. 

Can A Friendship Be Mended Post Dealbreaker?

Can a friendship be mended after a dealbreaker has occurred? It certainly can be, but there are some considerations to keep in mind. “Has your friend acknowledged the dealbreaker? Has a sincere apology and changed behavior occurred?” Resha encourages folks to ask themselves. If the answer to both is yes, then there’s great evidence that things could be mended. If not, she recommends taking a hard look at if this is the relationship for you or not. 

Blake abides by the old adage that time heals. “Time can often be a great softener,” she explained. She noted that having time apart to think about your parts in the unhealthy friendship dynamics can allow the two of you to come back together with a deeper sense of empathy.

But, don’t expect things to immediately bounce back to how they were. “Folks don’t always make room for how hard it can be to mend a relationship.” It is true, sometimes we can breeze past the fact that fights and fallouts in relationships of all sorts are big deals. But, Blake stands by the idea of hanging in there and working through all the tender and awkward stages that come with mending a friendship. And, in the event things can’t be mended? She encourages you to allow yourself space to grieve. 

What Boundaries Actually Mean

In Natalie’s practice, she provides a lot of meaningful wisdom into the power of boundaries. The term boundaries showed up often in all the conversations I had about friendships while researching this article, so I was very eager to hear her thoughts. More specifically, I was curious how she feels someone can identify their boundaries.

She recommends thinking back to situations where you’ve been hurt by friends in the past. Consider what boundaries you felt were violated. Then, working from there, you can identify your key values and boundaries that you can share with your loved ones. Natalie gave the example of a roommate always borrowing your clothes without asking you as an issue. “Your material boundary could be that you require in your friendships that permission be asked first before borrowing your possessions,” she explained. 

When I asked Resha her thoughts, she shared the following boundaries as guidelines within friendships:

• Ask before offering advice or support
• Allow of physical and emotional space
• Respect differences
• Be mindful of oversharing

Therapy for Friends? You Got It.

Feeling stumped on how to move forward in a friendship but you both are clear you aren’t willing to end things? You can see a therapist for that. Some therapists are open to working with friends. These sessions function somewhat similarly to couples therapy in that both of you show up together and have a chance to discuss the issues at hand.

Blake offers this service to people living in North Carolina, South Carolina, and Texas. You can also reach out to therapists who work with couples and groups to inquire if this is a service they offer.